How to parent your child is likely one of the most widely discussed topics in the US, and probably the world. Though different cultures necessitate different parenting to a degree.
As I look at my own upbringing, there are certainly flaws in the parenting (not sure there’s a parent that hasn’t had some flaws), but I look back so grateful for the example of parenting I had growing up.
I remember a vague conversation with my dad at one point when I was in high school, and he said that he and my mom raised us with some of the Jewish culture in mind. That is that you should be a functioning adult by the age of 12. Obviously there are some things you don’t have the freedom to do, and here in America, you can’t even drive a car at that age, but many of the decisions as far as what you do and where is up to the kid.
At the time, I kind of shrugged it off and thought “cool. Makes sense.” But now as an adult looking at 12-year-olds, I think of how much I would likely want to control and man-handle my kids decisions at that age so that they don’t go off and destroy their life. I think of that now and am so, so grateful for the trust and freedom that my parents gave me to shape my own thoughts and opinions. Not detached from their influence by any means. In fact, heavily influenced by it. Just not controlled by it.
As I was talking to my roommate this evening, I realized this style of parenting is not a lot unlike the way God has set up His kingdom on earth. Unlike most religions, Christianity is not set up as an achievement game. It’s not how much you do that earns you the right to go to Heaven or live with God. Instead, it’s that God has already given us eternal life, and we simply have to accept that.
It’s a hard pill to swallow in our achievement-based society, but as I look at this trying to make the parallel between parenting, I think of some similarities.
If I were a parent that made a hundred and one rules for my kids and told them that they have to follow the rules at all times and if they don’t they would receive a massive punishment, what might happen is that as soon as the child is out of sight of the parent, they go and do that exact thing that they were told not to do. Or when they leave the house of that parent and they now have no restrictions on what they can do, they taste the freedom of being able to make their own decisions and start making a chain of bad decisions that leads them down a destructive, potentially life-ending path.
The parallel God to this might be a God who set up a bunch of rules for us to live by and if we broke even one of them we’d be condemned forever and live with that punishment for the rest of our life.
But instead, if I were a parent that gave guidance and suggestions, and told you what my rules were but allowed you to make your own decisions, this produces an entirely different attitude (most of the time). Instead of being restricted when around the parent and feeling like you have a bunch of freedom as soon as you leave, you constantly have freedom, but when you try those things that your parents recommend against and you see the consequences of them, you realize that your parents are not trying to be overbearing and controlling, but instead love you and want, if at all possible, for you to live life to the fullest. A life not controlled by making bad decision after bad decision. This makes you want and desire to do what your parents advise. Knowing that they have your greater good in mind.
The parallel God to this might be a God that already accepts you regardless of what you do, and simply asks for you to accept Him and turn from your sin. Not a set of rules that you must live by or else you are condemned forever, but wisdom and truth are given to you so that you desire to follow that way you might have the most fulfilling life.
Some of this analogy is a stretch, especially considering that parents are human and imperfect beings. Many who have terrible parents might even look at that analogy and laugh because it doesn’t even make sense in the context of their parent/child relationship. But instead of looking at this in the context of your parents’ relationship with you, think of this in the context of your children’s relationship. What provides the most opportunity for your child to seek after the right thing on their own?
To seek after God, not because they were told and forced to as a child, but because it’s something they truly experience and see for themselves.
When parents give trust and freedom to children at a young age, the consequences can be high, but not nearly as high as if they restrict those things until they’re old enough to leave the house. Teach your children, don’t control them.
*Disclaimer: this parenting advice post comes from a non-parent who loves to give theoretical advice from his own experience as a child, not a parent.