A question I often like to ask people in the early stages of getting to know them is what their love language is.
These are generally boiled into 5 categories: Physical touch; words of affirmation; gifts; service; quality time.
I fall heavily in the quality time and service areas. I can appreciate all of them, but especially in how I give, I give in those two areas.
I find it very interesting to find these out early on in my friendships with others. Although it’s not the gospel and not always 100 percent right, it tells me a lot about a person and how to best interact with them.
Someone who is super strongly physical touch may be hurt if you don’t give them a hug upon seeing them each time. Whereas someone who is words of affirmation might care less about the hug but it would mean the world to them if you just said something uplifting or kind to them upon seeing them.
It’s not like you change everything about who you are to fit around how to show people love in their love language, but just being aware of it I’ve found helps to show people an extra level of care that they may not get anywhere else.
Similar things can be understood with things like the enneagram and Myers & Briggs tests. Understanding different reasons why people may do certain things and how to show them care in the way they’ll accept it best.
Changing for the sake of someone else is usually just a dangerous and unfruitful time, however, learning the way people tick and how to be a good friend to them is a very valuable thing to do. You’re not changing yourself for them, you’re simply changing the way you interact with them. Pretty soon, if you develop relationships with them, the chemistry will flow naturally, and giving to them in a way they accept will feel natural.
The best is when you have two people who understand the differences in personalities and can serve the other out of humility. That’s peak achievement.