This is less a post to create value for others as it is a fully transparent look at my current state.
As I was in my second to last Praxis call this evening, we did several exercises focused on goal setting. I remember when I first started the program I was super excited about these kinds of activities. There was so much that I wanted to learn and grow in. So much knowledge that I wanted to pursue.
As I went through the bootcamp portion of the program I continued with this mindset of growth and learning. Never stopping in my pursuit of personal and professional development. As I neared the end of the bootcamp, I could feel both a strong desire to continue doing better and creating more quality work, but I also felt an overwhelming sense of empty tank.
I felt like I needed to put everything on the table to get what I was aiming for and then I could collapse. A similar feeling to how you feel when backpacking up a mountain. You see the peak and your body screams to slow down, but your mind says that if you just push a little harder to the end you can make it and rest there.
As I look back, I think this is what I did. I didn’t properly designate my energy so that it was a sustainable work schedule. I grew so much in those six months but I ran myself so high I hit the ground at the end.
When I hit my apprenticeship, I felt like I had nothing left. I had focused so much for the past 6 months on myself and improving my personal brand that I didn’t know how to continue this while working for a company – so I stopped. My personal development came to almost a complete standstill. I was still increasing in professional development simply because I had to in order to keep up with my job.
Somehow, I’ve done extremely well in the job that I’m in and have excelled in almost every area, but while I’ve been improving in my job, besides this blog, I’ve done almost nothing to improve my personal development. It’s almost like I got such a strong taste of what it’s like to increase my personal development in six months that now that I’m not working on it I feel lethargic to doing anything in the realm.
Back to this evening’s goal setting.
I was not into it. Every goal that I made myself think of were goals that I couldn’t care less about. Sure, they would be nice, but if I got six months out and didn’t accomplish them I don’t think I would care at all.
Perhaps this apathy has come from me understanding what my life-goal is – to share the gospel with those who need to hear it. Perhaps it’s just laziness. Perhaps it was an off night and I simply couldn’t think of goals that excited me.
In any case, the goals that I set for myself may as well be put in the trash as I have no desire to make a plan to follow-through with them. In general, I’m a fairly transparent person, but I admit it doesn’t feel good to admit that I don’t have a drive right now to create value. There are seasons of life. Some for resting some for creating, but I know that this season for me must end soon. I don’t know how or what will cause it to happen, but it must end.