Relationship Non-Negotiables

Setting standards and non-negotiables going into relationships is really important.

Two reasons:

The first is because we have a lot of stupid non-negotiables. We, as a society, seem to have come into this mindset where we have to find the “perfect person.” We have our list of criteria that this person is supposed to fit into — and boom. Once you’ve found someone who fits into that and you also like them romantically, they are clearly the compatible mate… Right?

The problem comes six months later when that person who fit all your criteria no longer seems to fit everything you wanted. What did you do? Did you pick the wrong person? Everything was compatible I thought?

The problem is, no one is perfect and we will all always let others down at some points in our life. That person you’re living with is going to do things that annoy you. They’re going to have thoughts on issues that are different from your own.

The person who seemed perfect during the “honeymoon phase” begins to no longer be “perfect.” So what’s the next step? Well, the person’s not perfect for you, so clearly you picked the wrong person. Time to move on through a hard breakup (or divorce) and go on with your life. Maybe looking again for the perfect person, maybe being content without any companionship for a while

Instead of seeing issues and arguments as a way to understand each other and humble yourself and submit to one another, it often draws a sharp chasm in the relationship. One that’s often not dealt with healthily and ends in the downfall of the relationship.

I’ve presented some negatives, here’s why they’re important on the other side as well.

You should never lower your standards. Standards are extremely good to have, you just have to make sure they’re standards that are actually “non-negotiable” to you. Things like “must have red hair” is probably not going to fit into this category.

However, things that really are important and necessary to you are a different story. For me, one of those non-negotiables is that this person has to be a Christian. This stems deeply within my faith. It’s abundantly clear in scripture the importance of being with someone who serves God in the same way I do. There are even more examples of people who didn’t do this in the Bible and things usually ended up like hell for them. One of those people being Soloman, who basically sent the kingdom of Israel into a downward spiral because he gave into a woman who wanted him to worship her gods instead of the one true God.

Non-negotiables have to be of utmost importance to you and on your mind. Because when you’re in the heat of a moment or starting to get feelings for someone, your feelings and heart often have no regard for whatever the heck your non-negotiables are. We like who we like. But if we start getting deeper into that relationship, we start to realize that we have perhaps started to fall for someone whom we know we cannot be in a serious relationship with because of our non-negotiable.

I found myself not long ago starting to make this little list of things I really wanted in a spouse. Fine things to desire, but I started thinking of this list as a “pre-requisite” list. Like they needed to have all of these things to be interested. But I had to come to the realization that the list of things I was writing was not a list of non-negotiables. They’re things that for sure need to be talked about at some point, but aren’t an immediate no-go.

The moral of all of this is that setting non-negotiables is really powerful, and I believe, an important step in ensuring you are keeping true to your beliefs while also cutting down on the frivolous things you thought were important.