No doubt you’ve heard the saying “Spend time around people who bring out the best in you.”
I want to show instead, why the people closest to you should bring out the worst in you, and why it’s more helpful to have consistent constructive controversy rather than unrealistic, unwavering agreement — Man! I was so close on the alliteration.
First, dealing with this idea that the finest people to spend time with are the people who bring out the best in you. I’m a strong believer that it’s important to choose your friends wisely as I believe you become who you spend the most time with. However, I don’t think that this means that these people should all “bring out the best” in you.
Here’s the problem: no one has only good qualities. Everyone has things that they struggle and stumble in. However, if you only spend time around people that show the good parts of you, the bad parts tend to recede somewhere deep inside. All is good then, right? By doing this, you push your deepest faults inside so that they never have to be dealt with. Or do they?
When you push these things deep inside, it doesn’t mean that you don’t struggle with them anymore, it just means that you struggle with them alone.
Enough context. What does this look like in real life?
Say there’s a guy going into a dating relationship and this guy has a serious anger issue but whenever he’s around this other person, the anger seems to disappear. Out of sight, out of mind. He says, “She just brings out the best in me! I love everything about her and I could never be angry at her.” This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Not only will this probably wear off after the “honeymoon phase,” but by the other person not bringing out the bad side earlier, they are setting themselves up for unrealistic expectations for the future.
Take this in contrast: the same guy goes into the dating relationship and the girl immediately brings up conversation that gets the guy’s blood boiling, and it shows. He still loves this person, but the conversation hits real topics that cut him deep. He feels exposed and to some degree — angry. It gets him out of his comfort zone, and instead of seeing his best side, she sees the rough side. The side that still has issues.
But how much better is this second one so that two people who love each other can see the bad sides and help each other work on it together, instead of acting like it doesn’t exist? Then there won’t be the big surprise when one day it blows up and they find out this person they’ve only seen the best in actually has some ugly.
This example is a dating relationship, but it’s just as important to have the same kind of relationships with your friends. Or at least your close friends. Everyone has things that they are struggling with. Problems and battles they’re working through. By having people around you who bring those things to the surface and help you deal with them, you avoid what many people fall into by burying these things deep inside, only to deal with them by themselves.
So, while it’s fun to have friendships where you only explore the fun and best sides of each other, I challenge you to find people who are not afraid to expose the bad parts of you as well. Having people who consistently but constructively bring up controversy in your life allows you to grow so much more than having people who unrealistically and unwaveringly are always looking their best and always in agreement with you.
The trick isn’t having people who care so much that they support you in everything you do no matter what, the trick is having people who care so much about you that they call you amazing when you’re amazing and an idiot when you’re an idiot.